Dear parent I thought I was going to get to be,
Hi.
It's me. I don't think about you often, but sometimes I do still miss you. Especially around holidays and milestone events.
I think about you when I see everyone else's children doing an Easter egg hunt, or opening Christmas gifts, or doing something special and exciting. I think about you when I see people doing spontaneous things, going outside their normal routine, and not worrying about it too much. I think about you when I hear other people's kids say "I love you, Mommy."
Like I said, I don't think about you often, but sometimes you creep into my head.
It's hard being a special needs parent. It's hard wanting to celebrate and share in holiday traditions with Nate, but not being able to - either because he doesn't understand what's going on, or because it deviates from his normal routine so much, it'll simply end in a tail spin of behaviours. Nate lost his two front teeth, and there was no point in putting them under his pillow - he didn't get it. Will I never get to be the tooth fairy for him? Easter was a little bit better this year, we tried to keep it calm so that he wouldn't tail spin. I'd say the chocolate is truly what won him over though.
Sometimes I see people posting about their kids milestones, and I get jealous. White-hot rage jealous. It's true, there's many milestones I do get to still celebrate with Nate, and there's many milestones we hit that mean a lot to us that other parents won't/don't celebrate. But it still hits hard. It hits hard when I think about what I thought my life as a parent was going to look like.
You spend 10 months creating this perfect, little human being. You are so connected to them, you can't imagine a world where they aren't your other half. It takes a long time to absorb, digest and accept when someone tells you your child isn't "perfect." That there's something "wrong," or "different" about them. It hurts to hear the list of things they probably "won't" do in their lives. I still struggle some days with wanting SO BADLY to know what Nate is thinking in that brilliant head of his. I have the instruction manual, and I can make do, but I just want the damn password into his brain. I have one view of the story available to me, but I so desperately want to see it from a different point of view.
I often wonder if Nate feels some of these things. I wonder if he ever feels locked inside his head, desperately wishing I could read his mind, or even have a glimpse inside. I know he tries. He tries to let me in. But there's only so much he can do to give me access, when I don't think he even has full access.
I thought I'd be the parent you see in the movies, read about in books, see in TV shows - big holiday traditions, outrageous activities, loud, crazy shenanigans. Instead, our traditions are a little smaller, our shenanigans a little more routine and scheduled.
I don't miss you. I am the parent I need to be, and the parent I want to be.
It doesn't mean I can't miss you sometimes, and wonder what it would be like to be the parent I thought I'd get to be.
And that's okay.
XO The Spectrum Mom
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