I LOVE NETFLIX. I LOVE DISNEY+. I LOVE AMAZON PRIME VIDEO.
There, I said it. And mama, I know you feel it too. Putting your kid in front of a screen is not NEW since streaming services. Hell, my mom openly admits to plopping us in front of a Barney VHS so she could have 30 minutes of "quiet time" - and that was 28 years ago (Barney was my jam, I still have vivid memories of that big, purple dinosaur)!
What HAS changed is the vicious debate about the benefits and deficits of screen time on children. Moms nowadays feel SO ashamed to admit that the TV is a great babysitter for their kids. Not just neurodivergent kids, but kids of all ages. By the time I was 14/15, and beyond old enough to "take care of myself," I'd walk home from school and plop in front of the TV. Am I worse off for it? Hell no. In fact, coming home and watching Kim Possible probably kept me out of trouble more often than not (if you don't remember watching Family Channel.... then I'm old AF).
When Nate was an infant and we needed a "break," we would plop him in his jumper chair and throw on a kids movie. We always chose something bright and animated, and usually with animals. The first movie he EVER connected with, was "The Bee Movie," yep - Jerry Seinfeld. Be it the bright yellow, Jerry's voice, or who knows what - he was CAPTIVATED. It quickly became our go-to when we needed to do the dishes or make dinner, and keep our infant from squirming and screaming.
As he got older, The Bee Movie remained a favourite, but we also expanded. Madagascar series, Finding Dory, The Lorax - basically anything with vibrant colours or awesome sounds, were a favourite of Nate's.
Did I feel bad? Of course. Remember, mom guilt is REAL. Did I think I was frying my son's brain? God no. I watched a crap-ton of TV when I was younger, I still LOVE a good Netflix binge-session, and yet I've accomplished awesome things in my life. So no, I personally, am a firm believer that the TV will not melt your brain.
As he got older, more "in-depth" shows caught his attention, which brings us to my favourite of all time.... The Wild Kratts. For those of you who follow us on social media, you know Wild Kratts is pretty much ALWAYS on in my house. More so lately, because both boys are LOVING it. But when Nate was around 10 months old, this became a staple. The catchy theme song would make him scream-laugh, and the animals and animation were perfect for him.
We kept Wild Kratts going for a LONG while in our house. Eventually, it wore off (only 2 seasons are on Netflix, and we finished those pretty fast - but like, come on Netflix, there's 6 seasons.... even I want to see the others!) and we were back to the Madagascar series, Cars, Ratatouille and PJ Masks.
So, I guess the big question here is, "that's a lot of movies, how much TV was he watching in a day?" Well, by the time Nate was 9 months old, I had ended my maternity leave early and taken a work from home job. This job (at the time) was super flexible with my schedule. As long as my 35 hours was completed each week, or missed hours were made up for the next week, I could work whatever time of day I wanted. Generally, I'd start off pretty strong in the morning, work for a few hours, join Nate for a nap mid-morning (or shower while he slept), go back to work, and then finish early to get dinner cooked for shortly after Greg got home. I'd sometimes jump back on after Nate was in bed.
That job is why we never put Nate in daycare (well, he did a one-day-a-week stint at a home daycare for about a month, but it didn't work out). I was home all day, so why waste the money on daycare? We decided Nate would stay home with me. This has remained this way up until September 2022.
A promotion at my job and some big changes to their structure eventually meant my schedule got more rigid. Less time to jump on and off and spend time with Nate (this eventually led to a mental health break, and then my quitting). So, admittedly, I relied on the TV. I knew what movies would captivate Nate and keep him entertained, so I could get through a good chunk of work, only taking a quick 1-2 minute break to get him a snack or bum change.
He never seemed bothered by this routine. He was happy, content and would independently play and watch his movies.
Things got bad as he moved into the toddler-stage, and the TV became the only way we could calm him down. Thank GOD for the Netflix app on my phone, because a meltdown at the grocery store? Could only be solved with a movie. Meltdown at a restaurant? He'd spend dinner watching a movie. This was all before his diagnosis, and early-days of trying to learn how to handle his behaviours. The meltdowns and whatnot were so frequent, I battled really hard with keeping my temper in check. Sometimes, the TV was a welcome relief, and sometimes, it just made me feel $hittier.
When we got closer to Nate's Autism assessment, the TV obsession still hadn't changed. By this time, I had been separated for almost 8 months, was in a new relationship, we were living with my mom and 2 brothers, and I was facing extreme mental health issues due to my job. Nate and I had a horrible relationship, one that consisted of a lot of screaming and yelling from both of us, and a lot of pleading and negotiating on my end.
A phone charger became by best friend, because I had to have my phone fully charged and ready to load Netflix no matter where we went. If the WIFI went out? Oh goodness gracious. Those were THE most stressful days. If my Netflix payment bounced (as it often did in those early separation days), the day was a disaster. My best babysitter quickly became the bane of my existence.
It wasn't until Summer 2022 that Nate started showing interest in things outside of the TV. He would always play with toys, or with me, or with his step-brother - but the TV had to be on in the background. If we turned the TV off for bath time, dinner, bedtime, to go out, etc - best believe it was a FULL BLOWN ORDEAL. Summer of 2022 is when Nate really started to blossom and come out of his shell.
I think that Nate was so intuitive and so smart, that part of him kinda knew mommy was relying on him to be independent, and that's why he got absorbed into his movies, and then unfortunately, dependent on them. When we got his diagnosis, it became clear that his obsession with the TV could be categorized as an extreme interest. We still don't know (and might not ever know) what it is about the TV - sensory input, the language exposure, etc - that got him hooked, but the point is that he grew out of needing it. It was no longer a crutch.
Since the beginning of the summer, we can go out to eat at a restaurant and rely on Nate to be well-behaved without a TV. We can go grocery shopping and count on Nate to be helpful, without a TV. We can play outside for 4+ hours and know that Nate will not ask for the TV. We no longer rely on the TV as a daily babysitter. We actually use it as the "luxury" item that it is.
Have you been good this morning? Awesome, you can totally watch an episode of Wild Kratts.
Did you help clean up the toys? Perfect, we can totally watch some music videos on the TV.
Are you feeling a little sick/tired? Of course we can cuddle up and watch a movie.
You want to have a family slumber party? Heck yes, we'll load up Sonic 2 to watch in Mama's bed.
This post wasn't directed at TV's role in my son's Autism diagnosis, because as I mentioned before - I do not think TVs melt your brain. I don't think the screen time played any role in my son's diagnosis. I do think it played a role in becoming a crutch/comfort for him. Hell, I used to be a smoker. How is my need for a smoke any different than his need for the screen?
The point is that we can recognize the benefits AND deficits of the TV. We moved away from relying on it as a 24/7 babysitter. Mama, if you aren't at that point? Don't feel bad. I'm 30 weeks pregnant, I'm guilty of still turning on the TV for him and taking a cat nap.
For parents, especially a lot of parents of neurodivergent children, you NEED that outlet for your child. There is nothing wrong with that. As parents, we always want to do the best for our child, but we also know we need to SURVIVE in order to do that. Sometimes, that means a movie or 2 on Disney+.
Mama, turn the damn TV on. Download the Netflix app on your phone/tablet. Take some down time to discover your kiddo's favourite TV show and experience a few episodes with them. Likely, it'll do more good than harm. Right before writing this blog, Nate enthusiastically pointed at the TV and laughed at Electric Eels while snuggling me. He was experiencing something he loves, WITH his mama. That means the world to them!
You can't pour from an empty cup, and sometimes an episode of Wild Kratts will give you just enough time to fill it.
XO
The Spectrum Mom
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