Where are all my moms at? Now, where are my moms who had very, very LONG long weekend with their neurodivergent child? I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted.
This long weekend was the first time I really got a glimpse into the difference between neurotypical and neurodivergent kids and how the long weekend/festivities affect them. I was a ball of nerves. My ASD son, who LOVES schedule and planning, was going to have to handle a boat-load of transitions, new places, and big crowds. I was hopeful, excited, optimistic, pessimistic, full of dread and exhausted all at the same time.
Friday night, without my trusty partner-in-crime Nick, I loaded up the boys and headed to my moms. Our plan was to go visit a coworker of hers whose house had prime seats for the Canada Day festivities happening in Atwood, Ontario. Needless to say, it took me about 5 minutes of being there, in an unfenced backyard with people I didn't know, on the main street of a festival, to feel completely and utterly overwhelmed. Bless my mom's heart for sensing that and trying her best to keep tabs on the boys as well, but I knew in that environment there would be no relaxing for me. There were older kids play-fighting that Nate was drawn to, and it was just too violent/rough for my liking. My step-son was being shy and clinging to my leg, making chasing after my ASD child next to impossible.
We made the decision to pack up and head back to our home, to enjoy the festivities in Stratford. At least if something went wrong, or was overwhelming, we would be just a short drive from home. The boys rode home with mom, giving me about 40 minutes of much needed peace to clear my head and re-centre myself (yep, I suffer from horrible anxiety). I knew I didn't want to just go home and keep the kids inside for a "normal day" when they're finally old enough to start experiencing these fun things. We stopped for dinner, where my boys were champs who ate all their pizza, and Nate even tried cheesecake! He held his adult-fork on his own, and tried a dessert I never thought he would try/enjoy. I was BEAMING with pride.
That literally armed me with newfound confidence as we headed home to get warm PJs on, and get ready to handle the next event - fireworks. If you're a parent of a neurodivergent child, you know the sensory overload from fireworks can sometimes be way too much. The noise, the lights, the crowds. I was prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best, as I pulled my boys in their wagon to a HUGE field filled with people. We thankfully found a corner that wasn't crowded, and had a fence on one side, so I could sit there and watch the boys with no chance of them disappearing from my eyesight. They were CHAMPIONS. We gave them boundaries (which is KEY when dealing with toddlers), treated them to some lightsaber toys, and let them explore within that boundary. They loved it. They danced to live music, Nate happy-stimmed like crazy, they explored every inch of their little piece of land, and even came to sit with my mom and I when they needed a rest or a sip of juice.
When the fireworks started, I was not prepared. I wasn't looking at the horizon where they'd be, instead, I was shooting off a quick text to my hubby letting him know how the boys were doing. I was sitting on a blanket on the ground, Nate standing in front of me, Ollie sitting in a chair with my mom behind me, when suddenly BANG. And I mean, BANG. It was a ginormous firework, one that had about 50 bangs in it before fizzling out. I quickly reached my arms out to Nate, waiting for the tears, the tantrum, or the quick sprint away from me. Instead, he turned and looked at me with the BIGGEST smile on his face. He came and snuggled into my lap, holding my hand, while I pointed at the fireworks and told him what colours they were. He never stopped smiling.
I was a proud mama that night. Both boys handled the fireworks so well, and they went home happy and exhausted, while I went home feeling thankful and so, so blessed.
Saturday, we decided to load the kids up and head to a beach. We had no idea which beach, or where, until we drove past a Conservation area and decided to give it a shot. We headed home, packed up our bathing suits, a tent, the wagon, and some toys then headed to the store to grab some snacks. Armed with a giant cooler full of goodies, we headed to the Conservation area for some much needed sunshine and family time.
Now, Nate is usually pretty good about going to new places. But this new place was going to have SO many new things - wide open spaces, lots of people, lots of dogs, a playground, and my biggest fear - water. Nate is non-verbal, but his comprehension and understanding is through the roof. He generally listens to me pretty well, except for when he decides to be a 3 year old and outwardly ignore me. That's when he gets cheeky, and will run away from me for the pure fun of not listening to me. Which is generally okay, except for when we're near water. It's entirely possible he will run away from me out of spite, while looking back at my facial expression, right into the water. That fear never goes away, and I'm sure it wouldn't even if I covered him in bubble wrap and tied 60 floatation devices to his little body.
Thankfully, swimming went great. But it was one of those moments over the weekend when I realized just how different some experiences are with a neurodivergent kid versus a neurotypical one. My stepson was 150% enthralled with swimming in the lake. He was wanting to float, get his head wet and try swimming on his own. Nate, on the other hand, was in such sensory-overload, he was basically a wet koala attached to my body. Don't get me wrong, he loved it, and I loved the snuggles, but he refused to let go. He wouldn't try putting his feet down, and wouldn't move his body through the water. He giggled when I'd jump us up and down, etc - but he wasn't going out of his way. I found myself kind of envious of my husband, who was getting to splash, swim and play with my step-son in a completely "normal" way, while I was "stuck" holding onto Nate. I felt bad for feeling jealous... until i reminded myself that it is TOTALLY okay to feel that way. Again, we're back to the moments of grief. They are a-ok to have. Grief, jealousy, exhaustion, stress....I feel those on the daily, and that's okay.
We ended the weekend with yet another first for the boys... a movie at the drive-in. We decided to load up the trunk with blankets and pillows, and take them to see Minions: The Rise of Gru. Obviously, we got there 2 hours early to make sure we had a decent spot. The boys played at the very outdated playground... trying really hard to fit in with the older kids that were there, being reckless on the playground, until my hubby and I decided to take them back to the car and come up with our own games and fun.
1/4 way through the movie, Ollie passed out cold (no kidding, it was 10:30 at this point). Nate was a trooper and was captivated by the big screen movie. He made it through the entire movie, passing out HARD once we were loaded up to head home.
This weekend was amazing. It was filled with so many firsts, and I got to experience them all with my boys.
Long weekends look different for every family. Whether you spend it at the cottage, spend it with family, spend it alone, spend it at home, enjoy it or dread it. The only thing that is ever going to matter to your kids is the memories you make. They won't care if you have a "cheap" weekend, an extravagant weekend. They'll only care that you were there.
I reminded myself this weekend to be present. At times, when my anxiety skyrocketed and I was a ball of nerves about Nate, I wanted to hide. Climb into bed, pull my blanket up, and just melt away from the world. Did we do too much for him? Was he actually happy, or uncomfortable? Did he have fun, or was it just confusing? I had to remind myself that he got to spend the whole weekend with his family, and that was probably ALL that mattered to him.
Be kind to yourself. Be present.
Xo
The Spectrum Mom
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