I've been struggling lately. A lot.
Every time I sit down to write, I get in my head thinking, "is what I'm saying actually making a difference? Does it matter to anyone?"
Thinking like that makes me question my self-worth and what I have hoped to offer to the world.
Is there a particular reason? Nope, not one that I can pinpoint - Nate has been awesome (aside from being sick last week), my relationship is great, my pregnancy is almost over, my favourite season has arrived, and I am stuffing my face with every delicious fall recipe! Am I a little overwhelmed about having 3 kids soon? Hells yes. Am I scared for Nate's reaction of having a little sister around? Yup. Do I think it'll ultimately all be fine? Absolutely.
Introducing a baby that is going to need the majority of my time to my Autistic son is new territory for me. I've filled my head with both heartwarming stories and horror stories about Autistic children accepting new siblings into their houses. When Nick and I met, Nathan was almost 3 and O was almost 2. Introducing the two of them was more like introducing a play date buddy. The brotherly relationship they've fostered was COMPLETELY on them. Those two have adorably decided to be inseparable.
I know it's going to be different with our little girl, because Nate will HAVE to share his time with me. I've done my best to prepare him, such as teaching him all the things he can do independently without Mommy's help - to make the transition a little easier. For example, he has a strict routine coming home from school, that he can do most of himself and that his step-dad has learned to keep things consistent. He can walk up and down the stairs by himself, and has started letting us know when he's had a poop so we can change him (instead of having to chase the toddler down to check his butt). Little things like this, have taught Nate that he has some freedom and independence, and doesn't need adult help with everything.
Going into this chapter though, also reminds me that no matter how much I WISH I knew about Autism, I don't know everything about Autism - and I never will. My partner even mentioned once that it's humbling when I admit I am scared of things, or don't know things, or am at a loss when it comes to Nate's ASD - because it means I'm not that "supermom" sitting behind a screen, preaching to everyone who takes the precious time to read my posts (but, I've already admitted to being far from super mom).
The truth is, I can put on the brave face and educate people about what I KNOW about Autism as it relates to my son, until I'm blue in the face. But 2 steps away, may be another Mom who's advocating for HER child, who is COMPLETELY different from Nate. In fact, what I know to be true about Nate's ASD, could be completely irrelevant and false to what she knows to be true. One of my favourite quotes is, "if you've met one individual with Autism, you've met one individual with Autism." Meaning, as the name implies, this is a diagnosis on a spectrum. It's not just verbal on one end and non-verbal on the other end. It's not aggressive on one end and non-aggressive on the other end. It's not "more normal" on one end and "less normal" on the other end.
Much like everything else in this world, you can really only know what is true for you. Parents whose kids are verbal? That's whole new territory for me that I won't even pretend to understand. Parents whose children are severe flight risks or elopers - I have no experience or knowledge on the best ways to help. I can only speak my truth about what I know from Nate. If our kids are similar, and this helps you, then amazing. We are some lucky Mamas, because my son is astounding.
I guess the end of this rant should be summarized to say that none of us know as much as we wish we did. But when it comes down to it, we know best what we need to know when it comes to our babies. Never doubt that, Mama.
XO
The Spectrum Mom
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