We recently had a baby. A beautiful baby girl, who is now 4 weeks old.
Both boys were excited to meet her. O was moreso, because he kind of understood that his step-mom was growing a baby that would come home eventually. Nate, not so much - mostly because it was hard to describe what was happening in a way that would make sense to him.
When Bridge was born, O was beyond happy. He repeatedly expresses that he loves her, and that he is "protecting my baby sister" or "keeping my baby sister safe." It is quite literally the cutest thing. Nate wasn't sure about her. He showed some curiosity, but not much. He started acting out. Old behaviours that we had moved past, were suddenly re-surfacing.
Nate used to have a tendency of randomly knocking things to the ground, or throwing things. Think of a cat.... when they decide to be a jerk and just swipe things off the counter, etc. That's Nate. In fact, a few days ago, our TV remote was sitting on the arm of the chair - innocent, silent - and Nate looked at it, then slowly pushed it off onto the floor. For no particular reason. Other times, he will pick up his juice cup and throw it on the floor. He won't drink it first, simply participate in this old behaviour we thought we had moved past.
As Bridge spent more time at home, and Nate spent more time around her, he stared to accept that he couldn't always climb into Mommy's lap, and he had to be observant and careful about where he sat/climbed/jumped/etc. Now, when Mommy is feeding Bridge, Nate will sit and hold her foot, or stroke her leg. He'll also come over and stroke her head, or kiss her forehead. He won't pay MUCH attention to her when she's not ON me, and shows way more interest in her toys/chairs than anything, but he does occasionally "check in" on her.
This makes my heart so happy. He'll even let her snuggle in bed with him while I read him a bedtime story. I was afraid I wouldn't see that "older sibling" love with Nate. Again, he proves me wrong.
While my heart swells thinking about my two babies - I can't shake the guilt. It's hard. I question if I'm paying Nate enough attention, if I'm doing enough. The regression in behaviours makes me question if I've begun to "ignore" my ASD son. My husband and I have made a point of making sure I still partake in all of Nate's daily routine - my husband will take Bridge so I can be the one to bathe/change/feed/read to Nate.
On the flip-side, I'm also dealing with the anxiety and guilt of not enjoying the little moments with Bridge. I'm anxious as all hell for her toddler years, where it will become clear whether or not Autism is in her future.
I've told my husband that it's hard. It's hard to embrace and enjoy the little things with Bridge, when I'm sitting here just waiting to see if she is diagnosed as well. If she is, it means it was genetic (from me) that caused Nate's ASD. I love my son, and I love the Autism community - but I honestly question if I could handle another ASD child. No two ASD children are the same (just like neurotypical children), but what worked for one ASD kid may not work for the next. While Nate is actually under-sensitive to sensory things, what if Bridge was over sensitive? What a complete 360. Quite literally the description of the Autism SPECTRUM.
I have spent a lot of nights watching Nate sleep on the baby monitor, and wondering if he's going to grow up resenting me. Or will continue to regress because of my daughter. I spend a lot of nights wondering what I can do for Bridge, different than what I did for Nate. I question every move I make with Bridge. I know I shouldn't, but how do you ever fully escape Autism Mom guilt?
I often wonder if Nate will learn from my having Bridge. Will he learn to be gentle? Will he be more observant? Will he be more patient? Or will Bridge be a detriment to Nate and his progress? Will my fears be proven, and he'll feel rejected, unimportant, and continue to regress?
Have you had multiple kids? Are they all Autistic? Or is one ASD, and one neurotypical?
I am openly welcoming advice and kind words.
XO
The Spectrum Mom
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