For the past few weeks, I've had tons of women reach out to me. Some are moms of neurotypical kids, others are Autism mama's, or moms who suspect their kiddo may be Autistic.
The most common comment I've gotten is "how do you do it? I want to pull my hair out by the end of the day."
Girl, same.
Like I've said countless times, I am NOT a super mom. I am not even #GreatMom, I'm like.... mom just trying to make it through the day. But one of those things I have to do to make it through the day, is learn, research and support my Autistic kiddo. Is it exhausting? YES. Do I want to give up some times? YES. Do I get frustrated? ABSOLUTELY.
Mama's - YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE in these feelings. More importantly, YOUR. FEELINGS. ARE. VALID.
A bunch of you have said "I don't feel like I'm doing enough." Let me ask you the same thing I ask myself everyday - is your kiddo happy? Because if they are (which I'm betting they ARE), then YOU. ARE. DOING. ENOUGH.
Being a mom is hard, being an Autism mom is an extra hardness we didn't know to expect when we were growing these tiny humans. No one is pregnant and wondering if their kiddo will be Autistic, or at least I didn't. Autism wasn't even ON my radar when I was pregnant with Nate. My pregnancy with his sister? Absolutely it was on my brain. Whether you believe Autism is genetic, environmental or random (I honestly choose not to think about what could/does "cause" Autism) - it's hard not to think about what you'll do if your next baby is Autistic. It's hard not to wonder how their Autism could be different than your current kiddos. It's hard not to blame yourself, or spiral. My hardest challenge has been focusing on the great accomplishments and milestones my daughter is meeting, instead of focusing on whether or not something is a "red flag" for Autism.
I can't stress enough how valid any and all your thoughts are about Autism. Do we love our kids? YES. Would we change them? NO. But you are still allowed to be frustrated, stressed, lost, angry, sad. Sometimes we have to "mourn" moments we won't get with our kids, that we spent 9 months of pregnancy fantasizing about. Only one of my kids in my house is currently verbal - and to him, I'm "Amanda" not Mom. I have only ever heard Nate call me "mama" a handful of times. That's a moment I never thought I wouldn't get to experience. Do I feel bitter sometimes when I see moms of neurotypical kids complaining about how often they hear "mom! Mooooom! MOOOOOOOOOM!" Absolutely. But I try not to focus on that.
I try to focus on the positives to Nate's non-verbal lifestyle. I focus on the moments of intense eye contact, which feels like he's SCREAMING "i love you mommy!" I try to focus on the soft, weird lip presses he gives me on my face, which is his version of a kiss. I embrace the tight squeezes, the stimming jumps on my lap, all of these little things that I know are his way of communicating how much he loves and trusts me.
Another comment I've gotten a ton of is "I find something that works great for us, and it works for 2-3 weeks, and then it doesn't work anymore and I'm at a loss." YEP - I get that one. We have to remember that, especially for Nate being 4 years old, he's still developing. He's growing up and learning new things just like any other 4 year old. Factor in sensory issues, non-verbal communication, etc and it's a recipe for difficult times. I've learned (which was difficult for me, because my ADHD and OCD makes changing schedules SO hard for me) that I have to just be willing to go with the flow. A schedule, a tactic, anything stops working - I know I have to switch it up and just roll with the punches.
A difficult area we have with Nate is his sleep. He goes through phases of being a great sleeper, and other phases where he runs into my bed at 3 AM, then 4 AM, then 5 AM, then 6 AM until I finally give up and get up. He is then tired and grumpy, which makes our daytimes hard too. Instead of getting frustrated, I have to remember that again, he's 4. Maybe he had a nightmare he can't tell me about. Maybe he was just lonely. Maybe he just wanted his mama. We'll have these issues for a few weeks, then he'll go back to sleeping through the night and being fully rested during the day. It's frustrating, sure. But when these phases happen, I know something needs to change, or I need to just be patient and accepting.
For the moms who have asked me HOW I can do it with 3 kids? I have an easy answer, I don't have a choice.
I love being a mom. It is probably my favourite job. I never thought I'd BE a mom, and now I have 3 beautiful children who fill my heart with so much joy. Much like when you're the mom of a neurotypical kiddo, you do everything you can for your kid. You sacrifice, you adapt, you develop a thick skin - all because you HAVE to. It's no different with having an Autistic kiddo in the mix at this house. We all have to sacrifice some things, we all have to be flexible. Nate's step-brother has been a god-send in realizing that sometimes Nate doesn't want a hug, or needs to play independently. He's also extremely amazing at snuggling Nate when Nate does need it, or playing following Nate's "rules" when they want to play together.
Let me be clear, when I say I "don't have a choice" I don't mean it in a negative way. I mean it in a "I will and would do anything for my children." This is a sentiment I know all moms feel.
There are tons of other comments/messages I've gotten that I haven't included in this post, mostly because it's already taken me about 2 hours to write this, between feeding an infant, letting dogs out, and getting Nate ready for school! They may have to be addressed in a future post.
Keep your heads up, Mama. We've got this.
XO The Spectrum Mom
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