For those who don't know, or haven't figured it out, we are a blended family.
My ex-partner and I had Nate in 2018 and separated in early 2021. It wasn't easy at first, but Greg and I both agreed that Nate was our priority, and there was absolutely nothing that was going to keep us from making sure he had the best life.
We have worked tirelessly to co-parent together, and AGAIN - while it isn't always the easiest, I think we make a pretty stellar co-parenting team (though he's probably reading this rolling his eyes and making a joke about how I'm the worst). Greg is able to bond with Nate over their own special things, and we trust each other to always put Nate's safety and best interests first.
While Nate spends most of his time with me, and I am his primary residence, he sees Greg regularly on a schedule, and Greg wouldn't hesitate to drop everything and run to Nate if he needed him. There's been many a night where Nate is sick, and Greg will drive 35 minutes to us to bring Pedialyte or bring me a coffee.
My current partner, Nick, also has an ex (clearly, because O is my step-son). Their co-parenting isn't quite as cohesive as mine and Greg's, but hey - everyone's breakups, friendships and problem solving are different. While we only have O 50% of the time, it's been incredible to see Nate and O grow close. We always refer to them as "brothers" because they are pretty much inseparable when they are together, and in fact - wanted to STILL share a room when we moved, despite being able to have their own!
The benefit to having two families, is the support Nate has. As I said before, Greg wouldn't hesitate to jump in the car and come help Nate when he needs it, just like Nick wouldn't hesitate, and I wouldn't hesitate to be there for O. Between the three of us, our kids have a pretty amazing, positive, supportive family system. O will chat Greg's ear off when he's with me to pick up Nate, and Greg will happily oblige him (usually cause I've reached my limit of toddler chatter by then).
Again, it isn't easy. Greg has taken Nate to the beach a handful of times this summer, and I have yet to take him, despite it being my favourite place. But that's okay - because the important thing is that Nate gets that experience, and gets to do something special with his dad. Greg has supported me taking Nate to the Toronto Zoo, the Science Centre, etc because my being off work makes it slightly easier to do those things. Would he love to be able to go? Absolutely. Do I send him an obnoxious amount of photos? You bet. Do we both agree that no matter what we do with Nate, it's for Nate's benefit and we won't be sour about it? ABSOLUTELY. That's what's important, and that agreement is what makes our co-parenting as successful as it is.
When important things happen, like some holiday activities, his birthday, or getting ready to go to JK, Greg and I team up to make the day special for Nate. His 3rd birthday included Greg and I taking him for dinner at East Side Mario's because he LOVES pasta. Due to Nate having Autism, there's also tons of appointments, accommodation meetings and medical decisions that need to be made - and Greg and I do those together. No decision is made without us running it past the other, unless it's something we've agreed upon in the past.
Nate started taking anti-aggression meds about 1.5 months ago. It's a low dosage, mainly being used to help sort his behaviours, and wean him off Melatonin at night. We've seen an INSANE change in our son since he started. He's more affectionate, he's quicker to calm down after a behaviour, and he's more receptive to our help. I was terrified of Nate starting meds, until I spoke to Greg AND Nick. Nick has experience with the medication Nate is on (though in a higher dose) due to his clients, and Greg was open and confident that this was something we should try to see if it helps Nate.
Having two "families" means Nate is always, always surrounded by love. There is literally no shortage of it. I truly believe, the only way to make it through raising ANY child, Autism or not, is with open communication, honesty, and patience. Despite your feelings, what remains of your relationship should be positive, and in your child's best interest.
This post leads into a personal story that I've been battling with for the last 1.5 weeks. I still haven't decided if I will post it, or how I will explain it - but I do think it's important to address co-parenting even further.
Stay tuned.
XO The Spectrum Mom
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