I don't know how many times I can say those words.
You. Your child. You are not your child's diagnosis.
Think about it. I was born on May 2 - making me a Taurus. But that's not all I am. I'm also right-handed, but that's not all I am. Do not let one single fact about yourself or your child define you.
You are a mom (dad, grandma, aunt, uncle, sibling, wife, husband), but that is not all you are. You were a person before your little bundle(s) showed up. You had a life that didn't revolve around diaper changes, nap time and Paw Patrol. You were a whole other person, and you likely still are. Sure, some things have changed, but at your core, you can still find that person.
Your child is more than the diagnosis someone in an office who met them twice gave them. Do not misunderstand - I am all about Nate embracing his Autism, as I think everyone should - but it is not all he is. Alongside Autistic is creative, smart, funny, mischievous, adventurous, loving, affectionate and curious (to name a small handful of his qualities),. I am CERTAIN you could come up with 150 words easy to describe your child.
This was a lesson that took me a long time to learn after Nate was diagnosed. I started just seeing Autism as the reason for EVERYTHING. Having a meltdown? Autism. Doesn't want to play with me? Autism. Doesn't like that movie? Autism. Troubles sleeping? Autism. I quite honestly FORGOT that my 3 year old was a CHILD.
Meltdown = Autism (sensory issues, social anxiety) OR a toddler not getting what he wants.
Doesn't want to play = Autism (hyper-fixated on something) OR he simply wants to play on his own because he's having a grand'ole time.
Doesn't like that movie = Autism (sensory issues) OR he's a human and simply doesn't like that movie.
Troubles sleeping = Autism (overstimulated) OR I accidentally gave him a bit too much sugar before bed.
I forgot, and seemingly everyone else did too, that my son is a toddler. He's still learning his way through this world, JUST like everyone else. He's confused by his emotions, he's experiencing new things, he's figuring out what he likes and doesn't like and is becoming his own person. My neurotypical stepson struggles with these things, because he is ALSO just a toddler.
They are little humans trying to make their way in this world. I don't know about you, but I'm 28 years old, and I'm still lost 3/4 of the time in this world.
Once I remembered that not everything was to "blame" on Autism, I was able to reframe how I saw Nate's behaviours versus tantrums. That's the language we use in our home. Behaviours are Autistic actions - caused by overstimulation, hyper-fixation, social anxiety, difficult transitions, emotional outbursts that he can't control. Tantrums are your typical toddler tantrums - mom said no, it's time to leave the park, it's bedtime, it's time to brush your teeth. The things most children get bummed about having to do/experience. By reframing my thinking and understanding this crucial difference, we were able to formulate ways to help Nate through different scenarios.
The worst thing you can do for an Autistic child is punish them for having a behaviour. The best thing you can do is keep them safe, let them let it out, and be there when they need you. If you punish a child for having a behaviour, not only will they not learn, but they will be traumatized. Trust is hard to develop with ASD children, because they can't read social cues, nuances and other indicators we use to identify a trustworthy person. Earned trust is 1000x more crucial with ASD children than neurotypical people (in some scenarios). Even with Nate, as his mom, it took a significant amount of time to develop the trust that we currently have -and we had some MAJOR setbacks.
The majority of the time, Nate is having a tantrum instead of a behaviour. Tantrums are easy. He gets warned to calm down so we can talk, if he doesn't, he goes for a time out. Afterwards we hug and talk about why his tantrum and the way he acted was not okay, or how it could have been avoided.
When Nate has a behaviour, we handle it a lot more gently. The first thing we do is get down on the ground, at his level, and sit patiently. We don't force him to hug us, we don't try to calm him down. We simply sit and watch, making sure to keep him safe. This is critical for any ASD child, but especially those who self-harm during behaviours. The most important thing is to keep your child safe, and make it known that you are there for comfort when they are ready. Eventually, Nate will calm down and climb into our lap. We'll then give him a big hug, tell him it's okay, and explain that we understand he is having big feelings.
Since implementing a more open, understanding, accepting way of tackling his behaviours, not only has our relationship improved, but his length/frequency of behaviours has decreased SIGNIFICANTLY.
That being said, there are also times when I lose my mind. Whether a tantrum or behaviour, I sometimes just can't handle it, and I need to remove myself from the vicinity. My mental health matters too. So long as I make sure Nate is safe, there is nothing to harm him, I will let him ride out his behaviour while I go calm myself in another room. Guys, I'm only human. Remember, super mom/parents don't exist.
Treating myself like a person was another integral realization. Once I remembered that I wasn't just an "Autism Mom," and that I was in fact ME, it became easier and less daunting to help Nate through his behaviours. It became easier to prepare to tackle an outing, an appointment, a new experience, because I became confident in the tools I had as a person.
Now, as you probably saw on our socials, I took the weekend away from socials and this blog because I needed to clear my head. Understandably, a million topics and thoughts fly through my head lately that I want to share with you all, but my fingers (and child) only allow me to do so much! I needed to use that time away to remind myself that I am only human. That I don't have the answers to everything. That I can't help everyone. That there are still so many things I don't know about Autism. That this is a spectrum and a journey, where no two people are the same.
You are not your child's diagnosis. Your life does not have to revolve around Autism. Your memories and experiences with your child do not have to be dictated by "what Autistic people can handle," only what YOUR child can handle (and you know that best!)
Your child isn't just their diagnosis either. Give them the chance to experience the things you would have done with a neurotypical child. Let them get dirty (if they can handle it), let them run frolicking through a field (if that's possible), let them show you all their favourite dinosaurs (or whatever they're into). After all, they are still just kids.
XO
The Spectrum Mom
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